panache

noun: 1. Dash or flamboyance in manner or style.

so...my last post was on march 12th. and today is september 28th.

i'm a little ashamed. not that anyone has been holding their breath waiting for the next installment of the liberal doormat. but still.

what has happened since march?

-new apartment.
-trip to france.
-got engaged!
-got a dog.

that's a lot of life changes. i'm getting married in less than a month. that feels awesome.

also, i'm praying seriously about being able to quit my job(s) and doing something i love full time. i'm starting to delve into it already (grantwriting for dummies, here i come!), but am moving forward in faith that i will be able to throw myself into this full time.

once we have internet at the apartment, i wholly intend to carry on the liberal doormat. i think we have a good thing here, even if it needs a little development and character development and plot twists.

-the soon to be santos.

diffident

adjective:: 1. lacking self-confidence; distrustful of one's own powers; timid; bashful. 2. characterized by modest reserve; unassertive.

this week i went to knitting club for the first time. it was incredible.

also, i think you should read this essay I found on Huffington Post.

Modern Feminism :: by Susan Kaiser Greenland

that is all for tonight's edition of your local liberal doormat.

fallible

adjective: 1. liable to make a mistake; 2. liable to be inaccurate or erroneous.

i love this word. remember that one time when the pope, who is (according to catholic theology) infallible, had to apologize for what he said to the whole world? that was funny. that made me love this word, and what it means 10 times more than i already did.

today's three things.

1. i'm still alive.
2. i did my laundry.
3. i'm going to ohio tomorrow to help canvass for barack obama.

today did bring its share of disappointments, from the doctor who i obviously put too much faith in, to learning i have a cyst in my sinuses, to still feeling really wigged out about things that i am doing everything i can to not be a part of. that is really hard. and i still have mild senioritis about my job, even though i don't know if it's justified yet.

last night i started thinking it would be a relief if i didn't get the job, because then i wouldn't have to work so hard.

and then i thought, "anna. that's gross. take that back right now."

so i did.

all in all, things aren't bad. they're just rough right now. like normal.

i want joy. and peace. and acupuncture.

goodnight.

ersatz

adjective: 1. being a substitute or imitation, usually an inferior one.

you can say that again.

today i feel like crap about the following things:

1. job. don't like being told what to do, don't like doing someone else's shit because they don't want to, don't like having theological crises because promoters think that God wants all people to work for free because it's "ministry," and don't like other people thinking they're better at paperwork than everyone else. it's paperwork. get a life.
2. my sinuses. what else is new?
3. a certain situation that i'm not really at liberty to discuss, despite my attempted blogging anonymity. it turns out that anonymity is really hard when you label yourself a celebrity on the front end. anyways, let's just say this situation involves certain things happening for people who aren't ready, while i feel very ready...but nothing is happening. bleh.
4. another certain situation that i'm also not really at liberty to discuss. this one may involve heartstrings, impatience, and bourbon.
5. a third situation that i don't even want to discuss. mom, just call me sometimes, ok? i'm not a creepy cousin.
6. my living situation. say whatever you want about how nice this house is. you try living with a girl who just moved from manhattan and a puppy who pees on everything and tell me how YOU like it.

today i feel alright...possibly even good about the following things:

1. four more days until i get to go to the doctor. i don't even remember what it's like to not have a headache.
2. a new computer at work!! no more hairy keyboard for me!! not to mention, walking into a store, telling someone what you want, dropping $2K, and leaving, all within 3 minutes makes you feel pretty fly.
3. happy hour with mrm. boy did i need that. i was even happy when i left, and after today, that's a big deal.
4. a warm bath and a book.
5. in bed at 10:00pm.

someday, i'll have a long section about the good things, and they won't just be coping methods. tomorrow will be better. right?

sylvan

adjective: 1. of or pertaining to woods or forest regions. 2. living or located in a wood or forest. 3. abounding in forests or trees; wooded.

i promised myself (and my writing buddy!) that i would blog two more times this week before adrian comes home. but it's now 1:16am, and i just got home, so i'll go ahead and skip to the good stuff.

here are today's three things:

1. had a good talk with my mom, and realized that sometimes, i can make grownup decisions all by myself. i have instincts and opinions that i am free and privileged to follow. i don't have to make excuses for them.
2. two-fers at maffioso's with the girls...artichoke pizza and sierra nevada and talking about life and love. and having some intervention!
3. band of horses. they played tonight at exit/in. it was so beautiful. one of my favorite things is watching people respond to live music, especially when i feel it moving me the way i can tell it's moving them. we're all connected. love it.
4. bonus! adrian comes home in two days. i am thankful for that.

caterwaul

intransitive verb: 1. To make a harsh cry. 2. To have a noisy argument.

well, the word of the day pretty much sums up my week. see what expanding your vocab can do for you?

here is how i would have liked today to go:
wake up leisurely at 9am, stroll into the kitchen and make some delicious coffee. bring it back to bed, read my book until 10, when i get ready for the day and head to the flea market with some friends. from there, off to look at fantastic new apartment in the village, which i can actually afford! sign lease on the spot and motor off to fido's, where i enjoy some (more) coffee and journal for a while. when i have sufficiently permeated all of my belongings with the unmistakable aroma of coffee beans, stroll to used bookstore where i find extremely loud and incredibly close and bird by bird by anne lamott. then, head home, call adrian, and crawl into bed, watching a movie until i can't keep my eyes open. ahh...saturday.



here is how today actually went:
woke up around 6am to the most unique bird call I think I've ever heard in the entire state of tennessee. and it wasn't one of those nice bird calls that you would want to immortalize on a QVC wall clock. it was damned annoying. i remember it being incorporated into my dream, and then being fairly ticked off when i opened my eyes to discover that the creature actually existed. and it existed right outside my window. from there, i woke up several more times...at 7, to the dogs running around outside barking, at 8 to...something..., and then at 9 to a text message from ashley saying she wasn't going to make it to the flea market because it was cold out. fair enough. i can't hold a grudge against a woman who doesn't want to walk around in the cold for 2 hours. additionally, when i woke up, the massive pounding in my head had returned from a mini-holiday it took, after i fired it yesterday for slowing down work productivity. payback is a bitch, i guess.

after peeling my bowling ball off my pillow, i walked zombie-style into the kitchen to find that someone had used the last of my good coffee, and i was left with...maxwell house. LITE. 50% less caffeine. are you serious? that shouldn't even be allowed. but, desperate as i was, i made a pot, brought it back to my room, and read my book. that was a plus. with the extra few hours i had, i also made some wise time-spending choices that included craigslist, online poker where i achieved "big dog" status, and mindlessly watching my dashboard jesus widgit bounce back and forth, praying to him that he could slow down for one second and ease the pain in my temples.

when it was finally time to go see my prospective apartment, i walked out to my car to discover not one, but TWO nearly flat tires. on the side of my car that is supposed to have new tires. sweet. luckily the car was still drivable, but with each passing mile, i felt a small burning in my pocket as i thought of the money i was setting myself up to spend on easily avoidable repairs.

i don't even want to talk about the apartment. i guess there's a reason i could afford it. that reason is nasty carpet. or maybe it's footprints on the door like someone was breaking it down.

from there, off i went to firestone tire, where they told me that my car could not be fixed until at least tomorrow. but in the mean time, i probably shouldn't drive it. awesome.

i stopped at the used bookstore on my way home, since it only took an extra six inches of driving. i didn't think that was out of line with what the tire guru advised, and i needed something to cheer me up. i wandered around for a bit in the store, but apparently standing upright for a long while was not what my sinuses had in mind. so we left. somehow i managed to still spend money while i was in there. i may as well blame my sinuses for that too.

the next 4 hours consisted of...*sigh* america's next top model. i'm so ashamed. but i have a headache. give me a break.

and now it's 9:30pm. i still have a massive headache that is literally making me cry. i'm in bed, and i have a movie, but not the stamina to watch it. i'm hungry, but don't have the stamina to cook. and i haven't talked to adrian. because i don't have the stamina to listen to him talk to his friends while he's on the phone with me. that's a whole other story, though.

ahh...saturday.

permeate

transitive verb: 1. To spread or diffuse through. 2. To pass through the pores or openings of.

today, a celebrity died. he was young - too young to die the way he did - and had a fairly successful career ahead of him. there hadn't been a great deal of gossip about him or his destructive habits, just the occasional side article about him getting an oscar nomination, or having a baby. all positive things. but then, out of nowhere, his face popped up on the news ticker, along with a tragic headline.

and i was so affected.

it felt strange - obviously, i don' t know him. i've never been a huge fan of his movies, and the times i've heard him talk, i wasn't overwhelmed with his eloquence or intellect. but i was genuinely upset when i heard he had died.

as i talked with my friends and coworkers all afternoon about what had happened, i started wondering what it is about the celebrity world that moves us so deeply...sometimes it feels like it is simultaneously the furthest thing from us and the thing closest to our hearts.

now i'm no philosopher or psychologist. but i think the reason i was so affected by the news of his death is that it's a reminder. i'm reminded of how close death really is to us. how can we ever know? life is so fragile, and events like this shake me back into an awareness of what an incredible gift every single day is.

in the same vein, i think the reason we get so attached to celebrities is because we try to vicariously live life through them - we keep them close to our heart, sharing in their ups and downs ("i love her new haircut! she can pull of anything!"/"omg! i couldn't believe what she was wearing!"), their major life changes, their intimate struggles, even living in their home every week and interacting with their family. so when they die, it's like we've lost a relative, even if it's that weirdo uncle who creeps you out.

anyways, all that to say, i think this man's death got to me because i know that he has a 2 year old daughter who will miss her daddy, and because it reminded me that ultimately, we're both fragile people. everything is connected.

i'm grateful for my life. and not just the circumstances of my life. i'm grateful for life. period.

and here are three specifics from today:

1. rainy rain. rain + coffee = happy anna.
2. getting an email from my mom with photos of my cousin's newborn son, keegan. precious.
3. the freedom to come home tonight, and lay curled up in my bed with tea, playing online scrabble. simple joys. this is how i act when adrian goes out of town. and i love it.