stoic

noun: 1. (Capitalized). A member of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno holding that one should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and should submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.
2. Hence, one who is apparently or professedly indifferent to or unaffected by pleasure or pain, joy or grief.

it's been almost a month since i blogged. ugh.. what a terrible beginning to a new year full of aspirations of writing more, being more disciplined and purposeful, starting to pick up some freelance side projects. damn!

at the moment, i am being comforted by david bowie and freddie mercury. things could be so much worse.

the sad part is, i don't even know what to write about tonight. i did take some time on the way home from sarah's wedding rehearsal to go to starbucks and journal like a normal person for a while. and i even drank an almond latte in honor of sarah. it was good time, being there. i caught up with my photos a little bit (labeled and organized them!), and then sat and moped for a bit about how i want to get married, and have people be thrilled and excited. like...adrian. it was healthy moping though...the more i can just get it out of my system, the less i'm hoping it will take up space in my head, you know?

then i was thinking about all the nice things people said about sarah (all of which are true!), and about what a rock she is in her faith. she's always been so unwavering. why have i never NOT been wavering? that's all i do! so then, when i'm inspired to pull out my bible again tonight, and read things through, do i really want to do it so that i grow, or so that people will have nice things to say about me at my wedding? if i ever have one...

i did decide though, that i miss feeling the covering of a purpose and the protection of a unified vision with other people. it does seem, though, that the people who have always made the most difference have been slightly outside the fold. maybe if i could discipline myself back into some sort of faith, i could be pruned for something outside the fold. because i don't really like the fold. i kind of want to hang outside...

computer is about to die, and i am WAY too lazy to go plug it in. i should go to sleepy time anyways, so here are today's three things:

1. finished my book on the couch in front of the heater. FDR dies. shocker.
2. singing in the sanctuary of first pres. brought back a lot of lovely memories...like singing.
3. seeing sarah's absolute joy and delight with the love of her life. i really am glorying with my friend. jesus is so good. to her. and me, when i pay attention.