transitive verb: 1) to cause to disappear by rubbing out, striking out, etc.; to erase; to render illegible or indiscernible; 2) to destroy, as a mental impression; to wipe out; to eliminate completely; 3) to make (oneself) inconspicuous.
the word efface was actually the word of the day from december 27, 2006, but for some reason, i couldn't get the current year's word to refresh, and you can't have two "hermitage" entries. unless you're not OCD.
not much energy today...last day in colorado, unless it snows a lot and i don't have to get on a plane for chicago tomorrow. and by 'have to' i mean 'get to.' i'm praying for snow.
i did buy a party dress today, though, that will look much better in chicago then it will in my parent's living room, so maybe i'll pray for snow but only for a couple of days...then cleared out by the 30th. yes, good plan.
fear: that blogging will lead to the slow and painful death of my journal, which i really do love. my journal feels more like ME, like something that someone could pick up, and by the time they're through it, know me as a person, rather than just me as a self-proclaimed internet celebrity blogger. it has my handwriting, my doodles, my coffee stains, my artwork...those things are something kids and grandkids can enjoy and reflect on. "kids, let me show you about my life...climb on granny's lap and let's visit blogger.com!" just doesn't have the same ring to it. it doesn't feel as homey.
i enjoy the blogging though, for a couple reasons...first, i'm a faster typer than i am a writer, meaning i feel like my blogs are much more stream of consciousness, and i don't get a hand cramp. second, i like the idea that i'm writing things for people to read and think about and critique. i know for a fact that no one is reading this blog, but still. it's the principle. i wonder why i haven't told anyone about my blog...maybe it's because i like the idea of anonymity. that i can say what i really think (FUCK BUSH!), and i don't get all antsy that people i know may judge me because it doesn't match up with my front. does that make sense?
i'm ridiculously tired, and there is a very alluring kurt vonnegut novel laying next to me that is calling my name. so here are three quick things for today:
1. got to relax and sleep in. how nice to wake up and know you have no where to be.
2. little sexy black party dress, and new shoes. does anything make a girl feel better?
3. curled up on the couch with family, trying to explain the complexities of LOST season 3 to them while they smile blankly, finally confessing that they don't know what the hell i'm talking about. still, i tried to emphasize the significance of juliette marking the tents of the pregnant women for ben to steal, even though she's in love with jack and faithful to the losties!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
hermitage
noun: 1) the habitation of a hermit or group of hermits; 2) a monastary or abbey; 3) a secluded residence, a hideaway, a retreat.
merry christmas. i'm asking you to please ignore the fact that it's technically the day after christmas. because i have not yet gone to bed, i'm still feeling festive. don't deprive me of this joy.
what a delicious day. and for some reason, i felt inspired to make 2008 a good year for me. i mean, i suppose in the long run there's not really a whole lot i can do to control the major events of '08, but i felt ready to make some changes. but maybe i'm falling into that old person category...these are the big, life-changing, outlook-shifting attitudes/regiments that will be implemented as of january 1...and i'm done by january 2. i hope not...but one never knows. it will be my resolution to keep my resolutions!
one thing i DO want to do, regardless of how fat i get, is make a point of writing more. in order to maintain my status as an internet celebrity blogger, i imagine it's helpful to do certain things like...blogging? i was talking with a friend tonight over dinner and declared that i want my ultimate career to involve reading things and writing things. is that even a real job? it sounds too good to be true. but she said it exists. and to write. being disciplined is hard for me, especially if i feel under qualified for something. which i do. right now. i'm a better brain dumper than writer. surely there's a place for that in the literary world? oh fortuna, don't break my heart.
i also have a few arty farty resolutions drifting aimlessly around in my head. we'll see if those pan out.
here are my three things for today:
1. snow falling as we open presents around the tree. people can say whatever they want about what christmas really is, but i'll tell you right now: whatever it is, it's better with snow.
2. delicious breakfast full of food that i cooked. i know, i cooked. sharing it with family.
3. multiple glasses of milk punch while laughing hysterically with the people i love the most.
4. *bonus!* thank you jesus, for being born and loving me, even when i don't get it and decide that being a rogue is cooler than being devoted to you. because i get confused and think that being devoted to you means being devoted to the church people i don't like seeing.
on to 2008!
merry christmas. i'm asking you to please ignore the fact that it's technically the day after christmas. because i have not yet gone to bed, i'm still feeling festive. don't deprive me of this joy.
what a delicious day. and for some reason, i felt inspired to make 2008 a good year for me. i mean, i suppose in the long run there's not really a whole lot i can do to control the major events of '08, but i felt ready to make some changes. but maybe i'm falling into that old person category...these are the big, life-changing, outlook-shifting attitudes/regiments that will be implemented as of january 1...and i'm done by january 2. i hope not...but one never knows. it will be my resolution to keep my resolutions!
one thing i DO want to do, regardless of how fat i get, is make a point of writing more. in order to maintain my status as an internet celebrity blogger, i imagine it's helpful to do certain things like...blogging? i was talking with a friend tonight over dinner and declared that i want my ultimate career to involve reading things and writing things. is that even a real job? it sounds too good to be true. but she said it exists. and to write. being disciplined is hard for me, especially if i feel under qualified for something. which i do. right now. i'm a better brain dumper than writer. surely there's a place for that in the literary world? oh fortuna, don't break my heart.
i also have a few arty farty resolutions drifting aimlessly around in my head. we'll see if those pan out.
here are my three things for today:
1. snow falling as we open presents around the tree. people can say whatever they want about what christmas really is, but i'll tell you right now: whatever it is, it's better with snow.
2. delicious breakfast full of food that i cooked. i know, i cooked. sharing it with family.
3. multiple glasses of milk punch while laughing hysterically with the people i love the most.
4. *bonus!* thank you jesus, for being born and loving me, even when i don't get it and decide that being a rogue is cooler than being devoted to you. because i get confused and think that being devoted to you means being devoted to the church people i don't like seeing.
on to 2008!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
draconian
adjective: 1. Pertaining to Draco, a lawgiver of Athens, 621 BC. 2. Excessively harsh, severe.
today's three things:
1) delicious potato knish & perfectly doctored coffee
2) singing O Holy Night at the top of my lungs with 200 other people
3) curled up on the couch watching Elf and fostering my festive spirit
merry christmas, baby.
today's three things:
1) delicious potato knish & perfectly doctored coffee
2) singing O Holy Night at the top of my lungs with 200 other people
3) curled up on the couch watching Elf and fostering my festive spirit
merry christmas, baby.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
mendicant
noun: 1. A beggar; especially someone who makes a business out of begging.
today was so damn depressing. it's hard when you feel like there are things that should be your responsibility, but you can't figure out a way to get a hold of them. when you can't change the way you feel, but you know it's completely ungrounded. that's how today was. in attempt to shirk owning up to my shitty attitude, i will blame the following:
a) sinus pressure emanating from the depths of Sheol
b) difficult shift on crisis line
c) rain
no, nix that last one. i can only blame that for the fact that i stayed in bed all day.
to balance out the three scapegoats of my day, i will now attempt to recall three positive things that happened today. let's round things out here...
1. woke up with my favorite person's arm draped over my side. after shifting slightly in my waking-up-fog, he pulled his arm, and along with it, me, closer to him. then i fell back asleep.
2. learned about a dairy farmer in new hampshire that makes biodegradable flower pots out of cow poo, thus eliminating the waste that comes out of his farm, and providing nutrients and loveliness for plants everywhere. how innovative.
3. chai egg nog latte. enough said.
ahh good, now i feel better. time to drug up and hit the hay.
today was so damn depressing. it's hard when you feel like there are things that should be your responsibility, but you can't figure out a way to get a hold of them. when you can't change the way you feel, but you know it's completely ungrounded. that's how today was. in attempt to shirk owning up to my shitty attitude, i will blame the following:
a) sinus pressure emanating from the depths of Sheol
b) difficult shift on crisis line
c) rain
no, nix that last one. i can only blame that for the fact that i stayed in bed all day.
to balance out the three scapegoats of my day, i will now attempt to recall three positive things that happened today. let's round things out here...
1. woke up with my favorite person's arm draped over my side. after shifting slightly in my waking-up-fog, he pulled his arm, and along with it, me, closer to him. then i fell back asleep.
2. learned about a dairy farmer in new hampshire that makes biodegradable flower pots out of cow poo, thus eliminating the waste that comes out of his farm, and providing nutrients and loveliness for plants everywhere. how innovative.
3. chai egg nog latte. enough said.
ahh good, now i feel better. time to drug up and hit the hay.
Monday, December 3, 2007
soporific
adjective: 1. Causing sleep; tending to cause sleep.
thus begins my new goal of naming/starting every entry with the word of the day. this way, i will never have to think of a catchy title, and i will enhance my vocablary.
fear: that i will be around mediocrity for so long and so exclusively that i will start to think that mediocrity is actually quality.
fear is being enhanced by: current effect of employment environment on musical preference.
now, in truth, this job has certainly taught me that good vs. bad is really relative. as i mentioned in my last blog, everything is good for somebody. i have heard really awful music that has changed someone's life. but to me, it makes me want to cry. in a very non-spiritual way.
i think something that bothers me on a regular basis is that christians are supposed to be in tune with the creator of the universe - someone who certainly has the job skills to back up that title. but rather than looking to enhance our creativity by seeking to explore him in new ways, or by reflecting on different truths throughout the scope of our entire life situation, and not just our sunday morning, we manage to keep coming back to the same set of words.
every christian song will contain two or more of the following:
>glory
>holy
>praise
>worthy
>sacrifice
>majesty
>mercy
>grace
>rain/reign (as in, rain your reigning majesty)
>powerful
>heart
>yearn
>desire (as in, my heart's desire)
>humble(d)
>beautiful
and so on and so forth. so really, every christian song has already been written. either, god is good, allelulia amen, or, life is so hard, but god is good, allelulia, amen.
now, objectively, is using the same words over and over demonstrative musical genius? no. is it easy and predictable, so that even the slowest sheep can ride this train? yes. so...good or bad? you decide. lots of different songs speak to people in different ways by using the same words in a different chord progression..,
it still doesn't appeal to me...there's still time for me to be saved. pray for my indie soul.
thus begins my new goal of naming/starting every entry with the word of the day. this way, i will never have to think of a catchy title, and i will enhance my vocablary.
fear: that i will be around mediocrity for so long and so exclusively that i will start to think that mediocrity is actually quality.
fear is being enhanced by: current effect of employment environment on musical preference.
now, in truth, this job has certainly taught me that good vs. bad is really relative. as i mentioned in my last blog, everything is good for somebody. i have heard really awful music that has changed someone's life. but to me, it makes me want to cry. in a very non-spiritual way.
i think something that bothers me on a regular basis is that christians are supposed to be in tune with the creator of the universe - someone who certainly has the job skills to back up that title. but rather than looking to enhance our creativity by seeking to explore him in new ways, or by reflecting on different truths throughout the scope of our entire life situation, and not just our sunday morning, we manage to keep coming back to the same set of words.
every christian song will contain two or more of the following:
>glory
>holy
>praise
>worthy
>sacrifice
>majesty
>mercy
>grace
>rain/reign (as in, rain your reigning majesty)
>powerful
>heart
>yearn
>desire (as in, my heart's desire)
>humble(d)
>beautiful
and so on and so forth. so really, every christian song has already been written. either, god is good, allelulia amen, or, life is so hard, but god is good, allelulia, amen.
now, objectively, is using the same words over and over demonstrative musical genius? no. is it easy and predictable, so that even the slowest sheep can ride this train? yes. so...good or bad? you decide. lots of different songs speak to people in different ways by using the same words in a different chord progression..,
it still doesn't appeal to me...there's still time for me to be saved. pray for my indie soul.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
grateful
everything has helped someone.
i mean, not everything all at once...but everything has been good for someone at some point. isn't that a beautiful idea? there are a lot of things that i have taken time to laugh at (and maybe that's been good for me!), but each of those things, laughable or not, has impacted someone else.
friend and i traveled down to brentwood tonight for a church service full of remarkably affluent, well-meaning people, and preacher was talking about how we are all wired differently. and how we're all special and important.
i say, "geez already, am i pondering spiritual maturity and higher things, or am i accidentally at self-help group?"
brain says, "this is really impacting someone right now. for someone, this IS spiritual maturity and higher things."
i say, "true, brain. well played."
the internet is another excellent example of this amazing truth. i found a notable blog tonight that is dedicated to being thankful for small things, in the model that AA taught them. and i say, "AA may have saved that person's life." i've laughed with friends on a regular basis...hi, i'm so and so and i like chocolate. i like books. i love lamp. but for notable blogger, they've said that, except used their name, and the phrase "i'm an alcoholic." and it changed their life.
lesson of tuesday: i will not belittle other people's stuff/things. their stuff is for them, and makes a notable difference in life/love/pursuit of happiness. for that, i'm thankful.
you know what may be sad though? there's probably a handful of people who will slap my self-proclaimed internet celebrity blogger hand, and say, "liberal doormat! don't you know that some people's stuff isn't healthy for them, and we should invade their stuff for their own good in order to turn them towards our stuff, which is obviously morally superior?"
well...no. i disagree.
i mean, we can talk about levels of severity if you want, but i'm not talking about illegal or dangerous stuff, silly posing-as-conservative-and-righteous-but-really-just-scared-friends. don't get all uppity. i just think it's neat that everyone has the opportunity to affect anyone. love is big. bigger than me. bigger than you. i want to use it, and i don't ever want to think it's not enough. everything can help someone.
additionally, i injured my foot. it hurts a great deal. let's love my foot into health.
i mean, not everything all at once...but everything has been good for someone at some point. isn't that a beautiful idea? there are a lot of things that i have taken time to laugh at (and maybe that's been good for me!), but each of those things, laughable or not, has impacted someone else.
friend and i traveled down to brentwood tonight for a church service full of remarkably affluent, well-meaning people, and preacher was talking about how we are all wired differently. and how we're all special and important.
i say, "geez already, am i pondering spiritual maturity and higher things, or am i accidentally at self-help group?"
brain says, "this is really impacting someone right now. for someone, this IS spiritual maturity and higher things."
i say, "true, brain. well played."
the internet is another excellent example of this amazing truth. i found a notable blog tonight that is dedicated to being thankful for small things, in the model that AA taught them. and i say, "AA may have saved that person's life." i've laughed with friends on a regular basis...hi, i'm so and so and i like chocolate. i like books. i love lamp. but for notable blogger, they've said that, except used their name, and the phrase "i'm an alcoholic." and it changed their life.
lesson of tuesday: i will not belittle other people's stuff/things. their stuff is for them, and makes a notable difference in life/love/pursuit of happiness. for that, i'm thankful.
you know what may be sad though? there's probably a handful of people who will slap my self-proclaimed internet celebrity blogger hand, and say, "liberal doormat! don't you know that some people's stuff isn't healthy for them, and we should invade their stuff for their own good in order to turn them towards our stuff, which is obviously morally superior?"
well...no. i disagree.
i mean, we can talk about levels of severity if you want, but i'm not talking about illegal or dangerous stuff, silly posing-as-conservative-and-righteous-but-really-just-scared-friends. don't get all uppity. i just think it's neat that everyone has the opportunity to affect anyone. love is big. bigger than me. bigger than you. i want to use it, and i don't ever want to think it's not enough. everything can help someone.
additionally, i injured my foot. it hurts a great deal. let's love my foot into health.
Friday, November 2, 2007
i'm going to jackson...
still not at home...
manage to travel all the time.
too much.
just want to sleep in in my own bed.
spent last weekend in new orleans, driving around, being horrified at rotting houses with body counts spray painted on the outside. wanting to let the city sweep me into this romantic whirlwind of rebuild, revive, renew orleans...wanting to sit every day on my porch overlooking the french quarter while i sip on chicory coffee and hold the newspaper. not reading, just watching and posing for a postcard. waiting for the jazz musicians to sweep down the street and carry me away on their sea of off-beats and dissonance.
that sentiment didn't really latch on past the weekend, but it would be nice if it ever did. i remain faithful to chicory coffee either way.
this weekend, traveling back to memphis to visit with people i haven't seen since i moved. it's strange, to feel like i'm trying to announce and proclaim my own return...no one has honestly stayed in touch with me since i left. some people, i guess, don't really have to, since we're connected in places that transcend email. but some people, it would be nice to hear from, to know that i wasn't just good for the free money and the political banter.
speaking of, stephen colbert is a no-go in south carolina. what a shame.
one of these days, i want to get over the need to be so detached - i want to challenge myself to learn something new, and explore different facets of things i've only glanced at in the past. i want to learn more about myself, and more about the people around me. more about how to communicate effectively, and more about how to be secure in the things that i actually am interested in. how to be proud of knitting and crossword puzzles and vocal about wanting to write blogs/short stories. how to be confident in what i actually do for a job...that doesn't require a high level of education, and doesn't further any great world causes, but is good for me for the time being, and pays my damn bills.
it gets overlooked sometimes when i'm trying to be selfless and noble and shit, but here's something that's good to look out for and love:
me.
that being said, i'm going to sleep.
manage to travel all the time.
too much.
just want to sleep in in my own bed.
spent last weekend in new orleans, driving around, being horrified at rotting houses with body counts spray painted on the outside. wanting to let the city sweep me into this romantic whirlwind of rebuild, revive, renew orleans...wanting to sit every day on my porch overlooking the french quarter while i sip on chicory coffee and hold the newspaper. not reading, just watching and posing for a postcard. waiting for the jazz musicians to sweep down the street and carry me away on their sea of off-beats and dissonance.
that sentiment didn't really latch on past the weekend, but it would be nice if it ever did. i remain faithful to chicory coffee either way.
this weekend, traveling back to memphis to visit with people i haven't seen since i moved. it's strange, to feel like i'm trying to announce and proclaim my own return...no one has honestly stayed in touch with me since i left. some people, i guess, don't really have to, since we're connected in places that transcend email. but some people, it would be nice to hear from, to know that i wasn't just good for the free money and the political banter.
speaking of, stephen colbert is a no-go in south carolina. what a shame.
one of these days, i want to get over the need to be so detached - i want to challenge myself to learn something new, and explore different facets of things i've only glanced at in the past. i want to learn more about myself, and more about the people around me. more about how to communicate effectively, and more about how to be secure in the things that i actually am interested in. how to be proud of knitting and crossword puzzles and vocal about wanting to write blogs/short stories. how to be confident in what i actually do for a job...that doesn't require a high level of education, and doesn't further any great world causes, but is good for me for the time being, and pays my damn bills.
it gets overlooked sometimes when i'm trying to be selfless and noble and shit, but here's something that's good to look out for and love:
me.
that being said, i'm going to sleep.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
learn and declare
i was procrastinating at work today...taking a little lunch break before lunch time, and had a moment where i was struck (again) with how much i want to write. i like writing, i have a little - i keep it in a jar on the fridge...
but i don't do it.
for stupid reasons too -- others are better at it than i am (how sad would this be if it weren't true!?!), i don't have time to share, no one is going to read it anyways, etc. no one ever reads my blogs on myspace, since i imagine they all tire quickly of my political rants. so what's the point?
i learn. i practice. i grow.
in the last week or so, i've met a some interesting characters. one was a "self-proclaimed internet celebrity blogger". what a ridiculously brilliant job description. obviously, you sound immediately legit to anyone who is caught off guard by the word 'celebrity.' all those people missed the first part, however, which is 'self-proclaimed.' damn! if you can proclaim your own value on the internet these days, then sign me up!
*ahem*
i would like to announce that as of right now, i am a self-proclaimed internet celebrity blogger.
thus, i have started my blogging career off to a fantastic start. everyone else works to achieve celebrity blogging status...i just announce it and move on.
peace out.
but i don't do it.
for stupid reasons too -- others are better at it than i am (how sad would this be if it weren't true!?!), i don't have time to share, no one is going to read it anyways, etc. no one ever reads my blogs on myspace, since i imagine they all tire quickly of my political rants. so what's the point?
i learn. i practice. i grow.
in the last week or so, i've met a some interesting characters. one was a "self-proclaimed internet celebrity blogger". what a ridiculously brilliant job description. obviously, you sound immediately legit to anyone who is caught off guard by the word 'celebrity.' all those people missed the first part, however, which is 'self-proclaimed.' damn! if you can proclaim your own value on the internet these days, then sign me up!
*ahem*
i would like to announce that as of right now, i am a self-proclaimed internet celebrity blogger.
thus, i have started my blogging career off to a fantastic start. everyone else works to achieve celebrity blogging status...i just announce it and move on.
peace out.
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